Sharing this letter to the world was not an easy decision, but I’m sure it will help those in my life understand why my reactions to certain incidents in my life are the way it is. As you read, please remember that the contents of this letter are my personal feelings and my truth!
Every year after Mother’s Day my anxiety begins…… the one day of the year I dread is approaching. It’s been this way since my 7th-grade year. That’s the year when I finally realized that my relationship with my father went from “Daddy’s little girl” to “the little girl without a daddy.” Growing up holidays were always a big deal for us. We would plan for months what we would do to celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. All of that stopped when my parents divorced.
My idea of divorce was I would spend half the time with my mom and the other half with my dad. That didn’t sound so bad right?? Unfortunately, that wasn’t my reality. Truth be told when my father divorced my mother he divorced his children.
For years I was angry. I didn’t understand the transition my life went through and to be honest I was criticized for being angry by family constantly. It was as if my feelings were never taken into consideration about how I was living daily WITHOUT the love of my father. It’s funny because they only looked at the situation through their lens and opinions, no one sat down to ask me how I felt. They also didn’t live my truth.
To me, this day is a constant reminder of the void I have in my life. Although there are several amazing father figures in my life, nothing will ever replace the ideal relationship I yearned from my birth father.
My feelings for this day use to be a little bearable before social media. Scrolling through Instagram and Facebook watching everyone post their fathers seems like a slap in my face.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but that’s my truth. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous.
This day is a constant reminder of how I had to be very strong at a young age and learn how to maneuver through life without a father.
This day is a constant reminder that for years I guarded myself against men. I didn’t trust them in any relationship (romantic or business) because I thought that at any time they could get up, leave and I would be stuck with some burden. It’s why I am extremely guarded about doing business with men
This day is a constant reminder that the one person (my brother) who played the father role in my life is no longer alive.
Father’s Day brings so many bad memories for me. And I know what you all may be thinking…. You have a daughter with an amazing father. I do, and I am very thankful that Ryann gets everything that I didn’t from her dad. However, that still doesn’t fill my emptiness as a daughter.
Although I HATE Father’s Day and I’m sure with constant prayer and faith one day my feelings will change about Father’s Day, I do wish all the Fathers a very special day!
On this day, please pray for the children that may not have their fathers in their life. Pray for their strength and greatness. Pray that they can get through this day and future holidays without negative thoughts.
Dr. Tammira Lucas